Reading this Lurk.me Page says you are okay to read out an entire vent.

ofcourse maybe things will be added but I just don't feel well enought I wanted to make this so I can feel better and seen without needing to ask anyone about how I feel.

or something...I just don't want to make someone feel sour or be that person who vents everytime.







Becoming an artist was a genuine thing I wanted to do after realizing I am not capable of achieving anything advanced when as I grew older, I used to learn quick and now I barely understand a single thing, where I had thought learning was meant to be fun, and now I see it was just competetiveness slowly forcing my mind to break if I don't get anything desireably right.

learning that from a therapy for my mental back then

Listen to others, make a mistake and you get punished.

punished for not finishing the task quick enough

forcing me to be compliant when I was acting like a kid, spoiled or not.

it should have not been like that, Now I cannot compete I cannot compare

even if my ego is still there.. I am unable to achieve anything with the fear of making a mistake, It follows everwhere even with my relationships.

I am afraid to make a mistake, if I make too many am I truly a human being?

or an animal with no instincts.

I cannot grow, I cannot learn, I cannot ask for help.

asking for help only to get told "you shouldve tried harder" or "It's not my fault you didn't listen".

I do not wan't to try anymore.

it's easier for people to hate me.

it is easier cause I already hate myself.

i can't love cause why do I have to love myself when all I did was ruin my own life, I do not deserve forgiveness as much as I don't forgive those who harmed me the same way I did to myself.



but I want to love



I want to love without forcing myself to forgive those who harmed me.

I want change.

I want progress.

I want to be with the person I love the most..

But it is hard to fix it alone, I understand I am gonna get the help, but I don't know how to start, cause I end up running back to it..

I want people to notice

I want to be told I am not doing wrong

I want that validation.

I need that validation that I am doing okay

that I am doing better and I am able to fix things.

That I wouldn't be fucked over again.





I had struggled with my parents.

I just wanted to do things on my own without their need for me to achieve or do better at things. I just want to be selfishly happy cause that's the only thing keeping me sane and able to feel happy.

but not even happiness is worth it.

since small, My parents would use my hobbies or things that makes me happy as comprimise

to gain control over me, "its for you not for us" I understand, but why take away my happiness? why make it harder for me to become better? I would understand if it was smoking or alchohol, but no?

what does my art book and supplies do harm to you?

why do you need to burn them?

why force me to burn my own old art even though I wanted them for improvement?

those pieces were part of me so I can say I am better, and it helps me say, I am feeling much more better.

why use my relationship as a comprimise?

what can you achieve from it?

what will I achieve from it?

a lesson?

sure a lesson that I am not worthy to change or be happy with the things and people I love and have so much connection towards, all my energy and mental health goes towards? the love I feel, the joy I insist to stay.



all I write is wrong at this point right?

I don't understand you?

well Ofcourse I do not.

I learn, And learn the wrong way.

feed me to the wolves

and tell me "to tame"

but how can I tame if I am wearing a sack of meat all over me

I can't save myself

I can't save anyone

but I want to be saved and the savior

what am I doing wrong?

what am I doing right?

am I crying correctly? Am I smilling okay? Am I doing this perfect enough?

To be perfect. To be seen. to be loved. To live in a dream.